Weaning Mom and Dad

Well, my three youngest children are on their first vacation. I think it is pretty cool that they wanted to go away with some other friends for a whole week. They made their own travel arrangements, paid for the vacation, and executed their plan diligently. Everything is going well, I presume. I haven’t spoken to them since they arrived five days ago. My husband, Skip, doesn’t believe that I can discipline my behavior enough to not phone calls or texts. I am doing fine, so far, with three more nights to go. This week of having a house without young adults in it will help prepare me for the end of the month when everyone is back at college. As parents, we need this weaning process for ourselves. While I am on the subject of texting and phone calls, let’s look at how things have changed over the years in terms of communications between parents and is it for better or worse?

The pros of phone communications can be many; safety, affirming, reassuring, reconnecting, and discovery to name a few. As parents in the year of 2011, are we relying on phone communications too much? Are kids clinging to their phones and parents because it is so easy and readily available? Years ago, there was a positive to going off to college without a cell phone when your only means of communicating was by mail or a long distance telephone call. You waited to call until you really needed to. So, define “really needed” in your mind as a parent thinking back to your own young adult years. It most likely would have been something major and probably not that your roommate was a slob or has a weird boyfriend. Are we solving too many issues/problems for our kids? It is really hard to be strong and to limit your involvement to empathy and active listening. Consequently, are college kids less happy and more stressed out over little everyday things because they have an audience for the drama?

When I hear that parents say that are talking to their college kids every day , year after year, I get somewhat concerned. Allowing your children to fly on their own and feel what it “feels like” to be alone is a maturing and natural step in assisting their adventure into adulthood. You have to ask yourself , who’s needs am I meeting here? Am I lonely and need their reassurances? I don’t mean to sound heartless. Children leaving the nest can be a very challenging and painful time while it is simultaneously exciting. At times you may feel the need to talk everyday depending on the depth of concerns; but you are most likely not doing them any favors by expecting to talk to them every day on an ongoing basis.

I have to admit that I had a routine of texting good night last year just to reassure me that all three of my college kids (freshman and sophomores) had made it safely home. I gradually started missing some nights. For me the hardest part of them being gone is not saying good night. Having a discussion with your young adults in regards to safety measures with roommates and the importance of their communicating their plans to one another is important. They may choose to not use any of the info but at least you have planted seeds of responsibility and caring. In the end, all of the choices that we make as parents can help us in the process of what I call weaning Mom and Dad.
Best of luck to you if this is your first experience with sending someone off to college. Feel free to call me or email with any questions or concerns. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but collaboratively we may find peace and joy.