Maintaining Lifetime Friendships Adds Security and Hope to Families

My husband and I met up with four out of six couples at a lovely Lake home of our Best Man and Maid of Honor from our wedding almost thirty years ago. All six couples almost made it, had it not been for one couple tending to a very ill parent and a passing of an uncle with the other. It was a night of nourishing our souls, catching up, laughing and reminiscing. I won’t attempt to over analyze our fun night away but I noticed some very important similarities worth sharing.

First off, all of the couples are still intact and appear to be fairly happy. They are all funny at various levels and are interesting. They are kind, they work hard, and play hard. While I would be ignorant to assume that none on the six couples ever experience stressful times in their lives, dissatisfaction, or anger. We all appear to be weathering the struggles of marriage, aging family members, illness, as well as assisting our children in growing into healthy , functioning, and happy adults. This is no easy fete in 2011 and my concerns for the young adults and their opportunities to make long lasting stable connections in a world driven by media that is fast, simple, and abbreviated grows daily. Relationships have to be nurtured with time and intimacy at a one on one level and in groups. While we sat around talking about life among our girls group, the men talked among themselves in their circle. We all were attentive. No one had a phone in their hands and no texting was going on during our conversations. We were all in the moment. We came together at the table for dinner and shared humorous stories that drew strong belly laughs from all. It felt really good to laugh with our old friends. Our children (college age and grad school) were thrilled that we were going on this little outing. So what does it do for our kids?

Maintaining long lasting friendships is one of the investments in your family that you can commit to that will help your children feel secure as you age and change. It shows your kids that the world does not revolve around them as you may have accidentally modeled at times. They want you to be happy and to have fun, really! Your friends are interested in your children and by sharing their joys, passions, and struggles with them, they are invited into your lives. When one of us (parents/ friends) passes, nothing will bring our children greater comfort and reassurance than hearing a funny story about something we said or did as a young person or more recently. Anyone who has lost a parent desires learning more about their mother or father in environments as they did not experience them. It is very heart warming and intimate seeing them through the eyes of a young friend, an old friend, a forever friend.

While our kids are texting , emailing, or twittering non stop, this intimacy may be difficult to nurture. The interruptions make it a struggle for them to maintain active listening, eye contact, and attention which is vital to truly hearing someone and engaging. My hope is that they will know the difference and discover the beauty of these friendships early on. I heard one time( not sure who said this ) that it is better to have one good friends than many acquaintances. I feel very fortunate to have five couples that I can call good friends and I congratulate them on still being together after all these years!

Getting off to a Good Start

How many of you have an idea about how you want your school year to look but see it disintegrating before the end of the first week? How can you prepare yourself as a family for the change in routine? Believe it or not there are some simple strategies to function as a team that you might want to consider.

1. Sit down as a family and briefly talk about what worked well in the last year and what seemed to cause stress and disruptions (anger, argument, or defiance). Allow everyone to openly talk and have input into this process which means no finger pointing and disrespect.

2. Come up with a plan for which nights (and or times) TV will be allowed to be on in the house. This is especially helpful if you have students that struggle with focus and completion challenges. How about outside time for walking pets or for running some of the negative energy off that comes from sitting all day long. Have you thought about a game night playing a board game or something that involves movement (badminton, frisbee, playing with pets)?

3. Since this is the beginning of a new year, it can be a perfect time to make new study spaces. With phones and laptops becoming everyday tools for students, there needs to be boundaries that allow students time to study, sleep, and just think. Yes, believe it or not, lying on the bed and studying a poster on the ceiling is healthy.

4. Most teens are so involved in their screen social life that this can be a challenge. They will feel more peaceful, better rested, and ready to handle everyday challenges if he/she is not sleep deprived. With that being said, computers should not be in the bedrooms. Phones should not be in the bedrooms. They can be charged in a common place.

5. The beginning of the school year is a perfect time to say, “I would like to take back our home” from the constant barrage of consumerism, commercialism, and being told what our kids need in order to live a perfect life. Sitting down as a family and talking about some of the changes you’d like to see will encourage participation instead of changes being seen as punitive. There is a way to assist your children in maintaining boundaries and still feel like a teen without making them feel “freakish” and they might call it.

Weaning Mom and Dad

Well, my three youngest children are on their first vacation. I think it is pretty cool that they wanted to go away with some other friends for a whole week. They made their own travel arrangements, paid for the vacation, and executed their plan diligently. Everything is going well, I presume. I haven’t spoken to them since they arrived five days ago. My husband, Skip, doesn’t believe that I can discipline my behavior enough to not phone calls or texts. I am doing fine, so far, with three more nights to go. This week of having a house without young adults in it will help prepare me for the end of the month when everyone is back at college. As parents, we need this weaning process for ourselves. While I am on the subject of texting and phone calls, let’s look at how things have changed over the years in terms of communications between parents and is it for better or worse?

The pros of phone communications can be many; safety, affirming, reassuring, reconnecting, and discovery to name a few. As parents in the year of 2011, are we relying on phone communications too much? Are kids clinging to their phones and parents because it is so easy and readily available? Years ago, there was a positive to going off to college without a cell phone when your only means of communicating was by mail or a long distance telephone call. You waited to call until you really needed to. So, define “really needed” in your mind as a parent thinking back to your own young adult years. It most likely would have been something major and probably not that your roommate was a slob or has a weird boyfriend. Are we solving too many issues/problems for our kids? It is really hard to be strong and to limit your involvement to empathy and active listening. Consequently, are college kids less happy and more stressed out over little everyday things because they have an audience for the drama?

When I hear that parents say that are talking to their college kids every day , year after year, I get somewhat concerned. Allowing your children to fly on their own and feel what it “feels like” to be alone is a maturing and natural step in assisting their adventure into adulthood. You have to ask yourself , who’s needs am I meeting here? Am I lonely and need their reassurances? I don’t mean to sound heartless. Children leaving the nest can be a very challenging and painful time while it is simultaneously exciting. At times you may feel the need to talk everyday depending on the depth of concerns; but you are most likely not doing them any favors by expecting to talk to them every day on an ongoing basis.

I have to admit that I had a routine of texting good night last year just to reassure me that all three of my college kids (freshman and sophomores) had made it safely home. I gradually started missing some nights. For me the hardest part of them being gone is not saying good night. Having a discussion with your young adults in regards to safety measures with roommates and the importance of their communicating their plans to one another is important. They may choose to not use any of the info but at least you have planted seeds of responsibility and caring. In the end, all of the choices that we make as parents can help us in the process of what I call weaning Mom and Dad.
Best of luck to you if this is your first experience with sending someone off to college. Feel free to call me or email with any questions or concerns. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but collaboratively we may find peace and joy.

Learning to be in the Moment

While talking to a friend recently, the subject of Spring Break came up. Our family has often stayed home during spring break in an attempt to avoid the risky weather patterns that often present along the coast in March. We tend to be late planners. My friend commented that it was going to be difficult not having their college age daughter with them for the first time. I assured her that yes, it is really weird, but you learn to have fun in a different context and it brings new possibilities. You really miss not having all of the chicks in one place especially on a family trip, but you learn to look to the future. It is so important to enjoy your young adults or children that are at home and hopefully your circle will grow. It is easy to get caught up in the “this will be the last Spring break, or the last summer vacation”, that you can become anxious. I caught myself doing this during summer lake trips on the boat. I found myself wondering how much they will remember of our fantastic times at Dale Hollow Lake.
What can you do to avoid the potential anxiety that change brings? Be in the moment. Appreciate the joy and opportunities before you. Perhaps you can begin participating in an activity or sport that you once enjoyed but drifted away from when the children were young. Get the motorcycle out and go for long bike outings. Jump on your bicycles and ride until you aren’t sure you will make it home before the summer storm comes. Ride past the scary deserted home that is supposed to be haunted. With no one at home, you can come in as late as you want, maybe even as late as midnight.

Sample Coaching Summary for Interested Clients to View

All names and events are fictitious and this is to be used only as an example.

Coaching Summary for Alexandra September 26th, 2010

Alexandra, I was so pleased that you took advantage of your session Monday and hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did. I feel as though I learned a great deal from you even though, it was only an hour. I will condense and summarize what I gathered from our session. If you would like to add to the summary or if I am not clear on a point, feel free to let me know. My clients benefit greatly from these and it is an important part of the process. It is obvious that you are putting a great deal of energy into raising your children and you value spending time with them.

Summation:

1. You appreciate the opportunity to stay home with your sons and stated clearly that you don’t miss your career. It sounds as though you would like to eventually return to part time work after they are both in school. You recognize how important it is to physically take care of yourself and to nourish your marriage on an ongoing basis. I can’t say how vital this is to having a joyous home.

2. You enjoy the Preschool that you are involved in although it sounds like the duties can be somewhat stressful at various times. You are considering reducing your volunteer duties to be able to manage more “self-care” time.

3. Your main challenges seem to revolve around reacting to your oldest son’s strong willed behaviors and him becoming easily frustrated. It sounds as though this has become increasingly difficult with age. You appreciate the fact that he is gentle with his brothers most of the time. You feel as though his acting out is not directed toward them.

Do any of the challenging times have a pattern to them? Sometimes siblings react to the crying and developmental differences that comes along with multiple siblings and may even feel stressed by it. Could his tantrums be a form of regression and attention seeking to compete with the baby? Do they happen at the same time of day like when he comes home from preschool or at bedtime?

4. We discussed your desire to see your son follow directions without so many struggles. We talked about the way directions are given. Perhaps changing the wording and describing what you would like her to do in exact terms might have different results. The words “listen to me” and loud voice may have already derived some type of negative pattern or may mean something else to him. Perhaps empowering your sons to make the choice of listening to you or following directions may put the ball in their court. Allowing kids to realize that they have a choice in their behavior leads them to develop self control and confidence. Just as your

oldest has a choice whether he screams as a response, you have a choice in how you react to the scream.

5. What can you do to successfully manage being proactive versus reactive?

You and your husband as a team may decide the type of wording you would like to use with the children. Remember “Short and Precise”, no long dissertations like I described from my early days. Your oldest is achieving negative attention that is becoming a pattern and it will take time to change the pattern. We discussed some ideas on rewards for him choosing to use words instead of losing self control. When he demonstrates a little more patience and or more self control, acknowledge it.

6. We discussed bedtime and the possibility of perhaps allowing some more private book time if he gets ready for bed without the fanfare. This may work well as she may see that he gets more responsibility and benefits of being older and mature. I am really hopeful that something in this area may work. Make your expectations in small increments such as “until lunch or until dinner” and then expand from there. Or if you are already trying something for all day and it isn’t working, scale back to a shorter time frame. The attention span of the four year old is short when remembering what they did to accomplish a goal. Small rewards can lead up to a more rewarding activity or outing that establishes him as more grown up. (ex. sleeping in backyard in a tent with Mom or Dad, whatever you come up with).

7. We discussed using empathy. Statements like I know you are frustrated, or angry, or upset (you pick word) helps dissipate the eruption of emotions because it says that you are aware, not agreeing, but aware. You can follow it up with when you are ready to talk, I will listen to you tell me how you feel. Some people just look at the child and repeat the empathy phrase over again.

8. Self care and time as a couple is a way to nourish your relationship and nothing makes kids feel more secure than seeing Mom and Dad having fun together. It is great that you both are working out lightly after the kid’s bedtime. Make sure you get your private time to yourselves (as a couple) on a reg. basis. This is priceless and it helps keep you on the same page and united in celebrating the joys and challenges together. Taking care of several small children is challenging and sometimes overwhelming depending on stages. You are not alone in many of your concerns and frustrations. There is hope!

I hope that this summary assists you in your ideas and strategies. You are very creative and have many tools already in your toolbox of actions. I will be mailing articles that might be of assistance in the next few days and I would recommend the Boundaries with Kids book. It is a couple days read and easily digested. All of my clients have highly valued it.

Please feel free to call me if you have a concern or question. I will look forward to our next session on Monday, October 4^th at 1p.m. at our same location. Thank you for taking time out of your day to invest in your family.

Sincerely,

Chris

Let 2011 Feel Your "Presence"

Welcome into the year 2011. We are a week in now and there is hope that we can maintain a true sense of family despite all of the growing distractions competing for our kids’ attention. This has been a very lovely two weeks of having the chatter and laughter increased to the level it used to be during the summer. Everyone has navigated the holiday season with ease and peacefulness. I had wondered how all of this would work with it being the first holiday break since having everyone in college. Flexibility is definitely the key to still having FUN and enjoying the small moments while you hold onto the traditions.

A specific tradition, our tree- hunting experience, was downsized immensely. My oldest son, Peter, and his new wife, Sarah, came along with us to keep the tradition going. Our other three children were still in finals week at I.U. With only 9 days to go before Christmas, we knew that we had best go to the tree farm when we could gather the moment. Our car trip was kept alive with the constant moaning of my husband, Skip, and the fact that “we could have found a tree on the corner in Pendleton”. Just as I was trying to curtail the whining with one of my famous retorts, Peter took us on a detour ride through a ditch and into the yard of one of its neighbors. I guess I should give him more warning that the turn was coming up.(A major “I’m sorry” if you are the car that was driving behind us when Pete suddenly slammed on his breaks and “kinda” forgot the turn signal.) He really is a good driver. I think that he was a bit distracted with Mother Christmas and Father Grinch in the vehicle. Of course keeping with tradition, the Erotas family did not disappoint anyone that went along.
It was one of the coldest days in December, with bone- chilling wind-chill, and of course the trees with the soft, long needles are always the ones furthest away. We have been to many tree farms and this one by far is the most original and nostalgic. Millbrook Tree Farm is owned by two school teachers that enjoy seeing the repeat customers each year and were happy to see a newly- wed couple come out to experience the cutting of a tree. Upon arrival, each customer receives a saw, measuring pole, and a cart for hauling the tree. It really is beautiful to have the opportunity to walk through fresh pines in the snow under a star-lit eve. Never mind the hound dogs that bark at us every year. (They just don’t seem to understand the Christmas spirit…obviously, they are not friends of Snoopy. I will remember to bring bones next year.)
Of course, this festive activity did have its debacle— Skip thinks that I am too picky about our trees. I am not. I just want one that looks full and smells nice. We used to get really tall ones when our kids were little. Now we go after the short and stout. This year, we were able to pick one out relatively quickly and tout it home. During Christmas, our tree looked beautiful in our living room. The kids put their own ornaments on each year. They have received new ones every year so there is quite a nice collection at this point. Peter took his container of ornaments this year but we got to keep the ones that he made for us when he was little. Sounds fair. That was our plan. Probably my favorite thing is placing the worn ornaments onto the tree that each child gave to us at Christmas time. Some have their pictures on them, and others have their names printed barely visible on them. The children make fun of their rudimentary artwork from the past, but I am sure that they are pleased that their ornaments bring us such joy and fond memories of times when they were so anxious to see Christmas come. 2010 was a lovely Christmas and I am thankful that everyone’s health is good and that we had so many laughs. I pray for the people struggling and for our men and women overseas in our military. I think we all pray for peace.
So here we are. It is 2011. I cleaned out my wallet and calendar today. I am not making any real resolutions this year except to re-connect with some old friends that I may have lost track of over the last few years. I attended the funeral of a college friend’s father recently and I thought that it must be very comforting for the gal’s mother to see so many of her daughter’s friends show up. Our family has been very blessed with good friends and I am sure that if we can show love and friendship to someone every day then our world will feel our presence. Happy New Year, Peace and Joy to you!