Getting off to a Good Start

How many of you have an idea about how you want your school year to look but see it disintegrating before the end of the first week? How can you prepare yourself as a family for the change in routine? Believe it or not there are some simple strategies to function as a team that you might want to consider.

1. Sit down as a family and briefly talk about what worked well in the last year and what seemed to cause stress and disruptions (anger, argument, or defiance). Allow everyone to openly talk and have input into this process which means no finger pointing and disrespect.

2. Come up with a plan for which nights (and or times) TV will be allowed to be on in the house. This is especially helpful if you have students that struggle with focus and completion challenges. How about outside time for walking pets or for running some of the negative energy off that comes from sitting all day long. Have you thought about a game night playing a board game or something that involves movement (badminton, frisbee, playing with pets)?

3. Since this is the beginning of a new year, it can be a perfect time to make new study spaces. With phones and laptops becoming everyday tools for students, there needs to be boundaries that allow students time to study, sleep, and just think. Yes, believe it or not, lying on the bed and studying a poster on the ceiling is healthy.

4. Most teens are so involved in their screen social life that this can be a challenge. They will feel more peaceful, better rested, and ready to handle everyday challenges if he/she is not sleep deprived. With that being said, computers should not be in the bedrooms. Phones should not be in the bedrooms. They can be charged in a common place.

5. The beginning of the school year is a perfect time to say, “I would like to take back our home” from the constant barrage of consumerism, commercialism, and being told what our kids need in order to live a perfect life. Sitting down as a family and talking about some of the changes you’d like to see will encourage participation instead of changes being seen as punitive. There is a way to assist your children in maintaining boundaries and still feel like a teen without making them feel “freakish” and they might call it.

Weaning Mom and Dad

Well, my three youngest children are on their first vacation. I think it is pretty cool that they wanted to go away with some other friends for a whole week. They made their own travel arrangements, paid for the vacation, and executed their plan diligently. Everything is going well, I presume. I haven’t spoken to them since they arrived five days ago. My husband, Skip, doesn’t believe that I can discipline my behavior enough to not phone calls or texts. I am doing fine, so far, with three more nights to go. This week of having a house without young adults in it will help prepare me for the end of the month when everyone is back at college. As parents, we need this weaning process for ourselves. While I am on the subject of texting and phone calls, let’s look at how things have changed over the years in terms of communications between parents and is it for better or worse?

The pros of phone communications can be many; safety, affirming, reassuring, reconnecting, and discovery to name a few. As parents in the year of 2011, are we relying on phone communications too much? Are kids clinging to their phones and parents because it is so easy and readily available? Years ago, there was a positive to going off to college without a cell phone when your only means of communicating was by mail or a long distance telephone call. You waited to call until you really needed to. So, define “really needed” in your mind as a parent thinking back to your own young adult years. It most likely would have been something major and probably not that your roommate was a slob or has a weird boyfriend. Are we solving too many issues/problems for our kids? It is really hard to be strong and to limit your involvement to empathy and active listening. Consequently, are college kids less happy and more stressed out over little everyday things because they have an audience for the drama?

When I hear that parents say that are talking to their college kids every day , year after year, I get somewhat concerned. Allowing your children to fly on their own and feel what it “feels like” to be alone is a maturing and natural step in assisting their adventure into adulthood. You have to ask yourself , who’s needs am I meeting here? Am I lonely and need their reassurances? I don’t mean to sound heartless. Children leaving the nest can be a very challenging and painful time while it is simultaneously exciting. At times you may feel the need to talk everyday depending on the depth of concerns; but you are most likely not doing them any favors by expecting to talk to them every day on an ongoing basis.

I have to admit that I had a routine of texting good night last year just to reassure me that all three of my college kids (freshman and sophomores) had made it safely home. I gradually started missing some nights. For me the hardest part of them being gone is not saying good night. Having a discussion with your young adults in regards to safety measures with roommates and the importance of their communicating their plans to one another is important. They may choose to not use any of the info but at least you have planted seeds of responsibility and caring. In the end, all of the choices that we make as parents can help us in the process of what I call weaning Mom and Dad.
Best of luck to you if this is your first experience with sending someone off to college. Feel free to call me or email with any questions or concerns. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but collaboratively we may find peace and joy.